Road To High Stakes/Life/January 2023 (Diary Insert)

Tuesday, March 07, 2023

January 2023 (Diary Insert)

Extra insert from diary >> My time back in the UK Jan 2023, before going back to Mexico. This is more personal than poker related, but the two are always intertwined:

This morning was bad. I travel to Northumbria today with my mum and brother. I woke up with a complete feeling of sadness. Sadness at life. Sadness at the fact that my life should be happy. "Aren't you living your dream?" "Haven't you got to exactly where you set yourself as a huge goal to get to?". Exactly. And still sadness. After all, I've done everything in my life, and made all the choices along the way that have put me right in this position - where I am right now - and I'm sad. I'm sad that I'm sad. I'm with the people in my life that I love most. I'm making plans with people that I know, so deeply, that I love. People whom my heart lies with, and still no excitement. You can see it on my face. I feel emptiness in my heart. That's the familiar emptiness that I felt this morning, on my break from work, and how crazy it is.

Do you know why? Because deep, deep down, I know that these people, when I'm in a calm, content state, are everything I want at my happiest time. At a time when I feel in balance, I would wake up and couldn't feel happier. The same people, the same surroundings. I couldn't feel - believe - any deeper, that my external world is limited. Poker and money bring so much potential, but are capped. I can move anywhere, spend thousands, or have the world as an acquaintance. It wouldn't matter. It just doesn't hit deep. Unlike love. Unlike balance. Unlike contentment. And knowing this, profoundly, made my sadness so much deeper.

But then, it goes. As long as you believe it will go. Just like it always has. Especially when you are surrounded by people you love, and when you can share this sadness, it is embraced. You give humanity a chance to fight back. In Buddhism, they believe in Dukka, which is that humankind is born with suffering as part of their existence. An almost inherent disease, but it's only part of you. It's not you completely, but it's there - unexplainably.

And so, I write to those who suffer within themselves, in the same way I did, and do. To everyone. In what another time may be your bliss, may now be a new low, because you can see so much potential. To those that are in the place they want, that they worked so hard to be in, and despite having everything that the best version of themselves could want, they still feel sadness, and even more sadness because of that. We don't know why, but honestly, does it matter? Just know: you never know how fast it can change. 1 day is a long time - a lot can and will happen, so believe. 1 month, 1 year, or even longer. How fast that calm and contentment can come back, and suddenly life is bliss.

*** Normally on this blog I update on a monthly scale, and generally, it is positive, because most months, if not all, when I step back, are positive. But months are made up of days, and hours like this. They just pass through. It's incredibly normal, and in my opinion, part of humanity in a literal sense, as part of the mind. On Insta, all we see are the best times - highlights. Life isn't that, and nor is this journey to high stakes. As always, please message and reach out, and have a lovely week :) Love, Dan. xx